One regret I must speak. I should have donated my husbands organs. I really regret not doing that but at that moment in time when I received the call and they said that they could still harvest his organs and after 17 years of marriage I couldn’t function. I cried and screamed and my sister took the phone and talked for me. Oh wow. I think unless you go through it and it is a sudden unexpected death then you just are not in your right mind to make decisions like that, just to emotional.
When he was cremated and I brought his ashes home that was the first night following his death that I was able to sleep. When he was back home where he belonged it was like it brought me peace to have him home again.
I love having him home and then in hindsight I wish I would have had his organs help other people in need. At times I feel selfish that I didn’t put others first before myself. People who could have benefited and lived on through his death.
The what ifs:
would have
could have
should have
Momentary Lapse Of Sanity 
I think your strength is admirable. You are not selfish nor unhelpful. You lost a loved one, which makes every right for you to grieve in the way that helps you. And that is something that is certainly not selfish.
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You can’t blame yourself. You wanted every part of your husband to remain intact and at home with you. Grief does things to people. Your husband understands and so do the rest of us.
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Give yourself a pass on this one. We have to be as sympathetic to ourselves as we would be to others.
Yes, the “should-haves” can torture us 🙂
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My aunt has just undergone a double lung transplant from donated organs. While we are so grateful to the family and individual who donated, we do understand the circumstances which are so difficult for the family of potential donors.
When that actual moment arrives, family members need to know 100% what their loved ones want. Otherwise, they are left with an exceedingly difficult choice at one of the hardest moments of their lives.
Please don’t live with regret. It’s a decision which needed to be made and you needed to make it while experiencing grief and extreme emotional turmoil. No-one knows what they will decide until they get that call. Even being a family member of an organ recipient, I can’t place myself in your shoes and anticipate what I would decide for other family members. I only know what I would like for my organs should my family get the call.
This story…your story; highlights the importance of each and every one of us to tell our loved ones exactly what we want, when we no longer have the opportunity to speak for ourselves.
Thank you for raising this very difficult issue and sharing your private thoughs. 🙂
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But how could you know, back then? Normal people react “abnormally” in the face of tragedies. How was your situation any different? Your love~your life~was taken away from you. How can you not, if only momentarily, lose sanity? Be kind to yourself, facetioussoup.
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If it had been meant to be, it would have. If he had wanted his organs donated, he would have made provisions for that. On Florida driver’s licenses it is even marked “organ donator” if that is the wish of the organs original owner.
Though decisions are required, too often, that really is a bad time to have to make any sort of decision, you are right. Memorial services, ashes, urns, that is all for the bereaved. You did what you needed to do.
There is no fault. No relatives or friends should ask you about that very personal question about your loved ones intimate body parts. That is between you and your loved one and God … and maybe your sister, depending on her opinion.
I give you permission to not worry about it.
Grief is very immediate, intense, and can be all consuming (for a pretty long time) temporarily and intermittently. Grief can sneak up on you at inopportune moments…. like then …But if you are consumed by guilt, you could donate some of his personal effects …. but NOT the things that have special meaning or sentimental value to you OR him. Keep that stuff, and decide again in five years or so. You can even put off worrying about this for several years. Think about when you are strong again.
Of course… this is the only post I have read so far,… and maybe this is old history, already. I need to read more, but it is 4:30 AM here… I just felt all of that sad sad grief flowing and had to jump in…. I’ll be back in a while…. nap time here…
I am sorry for your loss. ❤ Remember to care for yourself … and tell your sister "Thank you" from me. I have a Little Sister who is also a loyal angel/friend/sister. Hugs to you both.
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