Month: December 2014

June 1, 2009 – 2nd Day of 17 Days in Harborview

On the night of November 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our twelve year old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.

Ryan says: can i tell u something
Mom says: Yes I am listening
Ryan says: well i don’t know how to say this really but, well……, i can’t keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can’t believe i just told you
Mom says: Are you joking?
Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but…

One of the best gifts about the ten months we had with Ryan before his death was the time we were given to ask forgiveness for the things we had not understood, the things we had said that were hurtful and the ways we had communicated less than unconditional love for Ryan in the years right after he had come out to us. We had done some of that work in family counseling before he started using, but what a gift it was to be able to tell Ryan much more fully all that God had taught us while he was missing. 

And Ryan had so much grace for us. When we are lacking grace for ourselves, all we have to do is to remember that Ryan himself had forgiven us, not only in his words and actions, but in a letter he wrote to Rob on Father’s Day, 2009…only…