ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO MISSOURI:

1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
3. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
4. Get used to the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”. And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August.”
5. Don’t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
6. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down-in December.
7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is.
8. If someone says they’re “fixin” to do something, that doesn’t mean anything’s broken.
9. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
10. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called “courtesy”.
11. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
12. Yes, weddings, funerals, and divorces must take into account for deer season.
13. Everything is better with Ranch dressing.
14. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die.
15. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass.
16. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart.
17. “Bless your Heart” is a nice way of many different things, lol.
18. No mater what kind : sprite, coke, pepsi, mtn dew, it isn’t called soda or pop. Its all called coke.
19. If you don’t like the weather in Missouri wait 15 minutes, it will change.

Posted by: Brian Mcelwrath

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