Dear Dad,

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I just don’t know how to cope with the pain anymore.

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It kills me inside to think that I am so fucked up because of my childhood.

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I thought it was just me until I started researching online.  

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I guess a lot of girls have alcoholic fathers.

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I came across this girl who is sixteen.  

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Her dad was really never there for her and he always missed her school events.  

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She said her dad is a monster when he is drunk,

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He hit her five times and he calls her an “asshole”.

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 She tried to commit suicide 

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And very much thinks of her own death

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She said he is a good man when he is sober, but he is never sober.  

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She said she is so afraid of her future and love and life…

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If I could talk to this girl, I would tell her to go to school and educate herself and soon she can be on her own.

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I would tell her not to commit suicide because I tried that and it doesn’t work…

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The next girl I met is Fenri…

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She and I talked and she said she NEVER BLAMED HER DAD for the person alcohol made him.

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Her mom always made up excuses as to why he couldn’t go to school events. 

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Dad was always “sick”.

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Her parents divorced and they shared custody of the kids.

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She has a brother and sister.

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She told me that her father drank himself to the point where he had to go to the hospital three times.  

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She said her dad never hit her but he said emotional scary things to her. 

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Then one night she had a strange feeling that her dad was not all right.  

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He was breathing weird and he was rushed to the hospital. 

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He made it through and went to rehab.

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She said he stayed sober for a while

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Until something triggered it again.

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She said her dad struggled with DEMONS for so long and it hurt her to see him in such pain.

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I told her that my dad was haunted with more than demons.

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The next part of her story took a toll on me…

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She said it was her time to stay with her dad for two weeks…

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When she and her sister called they could tell he was so drunk.

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He admitted it and said he would call her when he was completely sober.

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The next day came around and he didn’t call…

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Her anxiety was really bad and she couldn’t fall asleep until six am.

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Her sister came rushing in the room

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The grandmother came in and said 

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He killed himself…

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She told me she had no idea why he would kill himself when he had three children…

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She found out it wasn’t intentional…

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He had drank an immense amount of alcohol 

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Of course, her dad thought he would sleep it off but this time he didn’t

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She told me it was over and he was GONE

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G O N E

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She told me that alcohol had finally won the battle

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She said this Christmas will be the first Christmas without him and she doesn’t know if she will make it

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What we shared in common was her dad’s biggest fear and YOUR biggest fear and that is inheriting alcoholism

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I told her that it’s funny the world is supposed to end today and for me, it did again a part of me ended.

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I told that girl she may not have a father for Christmas,

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But I will have a miserable Christmas

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I sent her a picture of the tree she started crying because she said when he goes he will regret not spending that time with you.  

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I don’t know how your story will end.

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When your story will end.

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But like her, I hope that you will walk me down the aisle

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I hope you will see me graduate

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And I hope that you will be a grandfather to my children.

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I am tired of worrying.

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I am tired of caring.

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I am tired of praying to God

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That you will not harm YOURSELF

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OR MY MOTHER

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I am tired of living in fear.

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I am tired of not having a home.

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I am tired of always trying.

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My wish for you dad is that angels guide you in.

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My wish is that when you reach heaven, you will learn to love.  

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My wish for you is that you don’t have to suffer like that girl’s father did…

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I hope you see that the light at the end of the tunnel before it’s too late…

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My wish is to please not hurt my mom.  You truly don’t realize what you have.  She is an amazing woman…  She is my hero when I lay in bed crying at night.  

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I miss that day we all went to Sears together.  I don’t know if this cycle will start again.  But I hope you make it out.  

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Like you we all make choices and my choice is clear.  If I do not remove myself from this situation I may never be successful, I may not finish school.  

download (3)I hope you know that I will always love you, but I need to make a life of my own.  I need to find peace in my life.  

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I hope that you will do the same.  I hope that you find what makes you happy.  And if that happiness is alcohol, I hope that you have the courage to do it at your own place and not in this house.  

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After all, if you can be happy, why can’t I?  

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I’ve realized that no matter how many tears I shed  

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How many “A’s” I get

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How many suicide attempts I have to do

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You will not quit

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Just one last thing.  I’m not mad at you I love you.  

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You’re my dad and I’m so proud of how smart and hardworking you are.  

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I just hate this disease and what it’s done…  

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I feel ashamed that I can’t-do more to help.

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Author Unknown 

 

 

4 thoughts on “I love you daddy

  1. Oh! my God!!!
    Liz, wasn’t this the most emotional blog I have ever read!!! My eyes are still wet and my nose runny.
    What can I say… Congratulations for the amazing way you run your site.
    Love you Helen.x

    Liked by 1 person

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