I just don’t know how to cope with the pain anymore.
It kills me inside to think that I am so fucked up because of my childhood.
I thought it was just me until I started researching online.
I guess a lot of girls have alcoholic fathers.
I came across this girl who is sixteen.
Her dad was really never there for her and he always missed her school events.
She said her dad is a monster when he is drunk,
He hit her five times and he calls her an “asshole”.
She tried to commit suicide
And very much thinks of her own death
She said he is a good man when he is sober, but he is never sober.
She said she is so afraid of her future and love and life…
If I could talk to this girl, I would tell her to go to school and educate herself and soon she can be on her own.
I would tell her not to commit suicide because I tried that and it doesn’t work…
The next girl I met is Fenri…
She and I talked and she said she NEVER BLAMED HER DAD for the person alcohol made him.
Her mom always made up excuses as to why he couldn’t go to school events.
Dad was always “sick”.
Her parents divorced and they shared custody of the kids.
She has a brother and sister.
She told me that her father drank himself to the point where he had to go to the hospital three times.
She said her dad never hit her but he said emotional scary things to her.
Then one night she had a strange feeling that her dad was not all right.
He was breathing weird and he was rushed to the hospital.
He made it through and went to rehab.
She said he stayed sober for a while
Until something triggered it again.
She said her dad struggled with DEMONS for so long and it hurt her to see him in such pain.
I told her that my dad was haunted with more than demons.
The next part of her story took a toll on me…
She said it was her time to stay with her dad for two weeks…
When she and her sister called they could tell he was so drunk.
He admitted it and said he would call her when he was completely sober.
The next day came around and he didn’t call…
Her anxiety was really bad and she couldn’t fall asleep until six am.
Her sister came rushing in the room
The grandmother came in and said
He killed himself…
She told me she had no idea why he would kill himself when he had three children…
She found out it wasn’t intentional…
He had drank an immense amount of alcohol
Of course, her dad thought he would sleep it off but this time he didn’t
She told me it was over and he was GONE
G O N E
She told me that alcohol had finally won the battle
She said this Christmas will be the first Christmas without him and she doesn’t know if she will make it
What we shared in common was her dad’s biggest fear and YOUR biggest fear and that is inheriting alcoholism
I told her that it’s funny the world is supposed to end today and for me, it did again a part of me ended.
I told that girl she may not have a father for Christmas,
But I will have a miserable Christmas
I sent her a picture of the tree she started crying because she said when he goes he will regret not spending that time with you.
I don’t know how your story will end.
When your story will end.
But like her, I hope that you will walk me down the aisle
I hope you will see me graduate
And I hope that you will be a grandfather to my children.
I am tired of worrying.
I am tired of caring.
I am tired of praying to God
That you will not harm YOURSELF
OR MY MOTHER
I am tired of living in fear.
I am tired of not having a home.
I am tired of always trying.
My wish for you dad is that angels guide you in.
My wish is that when you reach heaven, you will learn to love.
My wish for you is that you don’t have to suffer like that girl’s father did…
I hope you see that the light at the end of the tunnel before it’s too late…
My wish is to please not hurt my mom. You truly don’t realize what you have. She is an amazing woman… She is my hero when I lay in bed crying at night.
I miss that day we all went to Sears together. I don’t know if this cycle will start again. But I hope you make it out.
Like you we all make choices and my choice is clear. If I do not remove myself from this situation I may never be successful, I may not finish school.
I hope you know that I will always love you, but I need to make a life of my own. I need to find peace in my life.
I hope that you will do the same. I hope that you find what makes you happy. And if that happiness is alcohol, I hope that you have the courage to do it at your own place and not in this house.
After all, if you can be happy, why can’t I?
I’ve realized that no matter how many tears I shed
How many “A’s” I get
How many suicide attempts I have to do
You will not quit
Just one last thing. I’m not mad at you I love you.
You’re my dad and I’m so proud of how smart and hardworking you are.
I just hate this disease and what it’s done…
I feel ashamed that I can’t-do more to help.