Month: October 2016

I stab

I stab harder

the pain from a pin

or the point of a knife

is extreme on the inside of my left arm.

So I pump my fist

like at the clinic

pick up the knife once more

stab, still no blood

still painful

what about the full blade, nope

hurts the same

maybe I try too

hard

All last week and the week before I have been listening to country music or hip hop, today I broke down and started listening to 80’s music again. Wow, what memories it brings up!

The choir bus trips to contests, the last school trip to Disneyland! The friends I miss from school, I admit I wasn’t the popular kid I hung out with the low class.  Stayed by myself when I could, but I knew quite a bit of the senior class, just from classes. Listening to this music reminds me of our air guitar in the amphitheater every month. Some could really jam to the music, others just wanted to be up on the concrete stage.

Crushes came and went, some hard. I had what I thought were two loves in high school, I was wrong. But here was the time of rebellion!  I really didn’t get into trouble…

Last night was the first time I cooked anyone dinner, let alone myself in months. I was nervous and petrified that I would screw it up.  The words of ‘bad cook’ were in my head and ended up crying when what I was cooking didn’t turn out the way I was hoping.

I wanted the French toast to come out like it does here at home, nice and brown on both sides.  However, I’m not used to WH’s kitchen yet.  He affirms that I will be and not to stress, but how can I not. I’m glad, that I can deal with gas to cook, but being out of the habit, it will take a lot of practice to get back.

The month of all the fun, or so they say, this is just the time when everything falls apart for me.

This year I have several things going on all at once, we are doing more cleaning and getting rid of things that have not been touched in a year at least. For me, this is a lot of my yarn that I have everywhere.  I have boxes and bags stored just about everywhere in the house and the garage, today, I went thru part of the garage and took three bags out.  In fact, I didn’t even look in the bags. It is going straight to goodwill. I can always get more if I need to and that is not too bad.

Later after work, I will go out with more light and go through more.

It’s the only way I feel wanted right now.

“Your beliefs about people – that’s who you believe them to be.

That’s what’s meant by “no one exists”.

Because who you believe them to be isn’t who they are. That’s why they don’t exist.

Instead, you are getting a glimpse of your own ego. And when you meet the power of that, and when the power of that moves to another polarity…you can drop the word power. 

It’s like living ignited.

And it’s nothing more than being aware of your internal life, and knowing what’s true, and what’s not. What that leaves is the great surprise. And all you can know about it is its nature, so you begin to live a fearless existence. “

– Byron Katie, TheWork.com